Monday, November 9, 2009

where everybody knows your name

destination #7: boston, massachusetts
nicknames:
bean town
fun fact: according to dumblaws.com, it is illegal to play the fiddle in boston.
well known bostonian: norm

as you may have guessed by now, i do not come from the most loving of families. where many families force their children to come with them on family outings, and make them pose awkwardly for those family photos in front of niagra falls - mine would rather leave me to climb over a barbed wire fence (as i am sure we all remember).


well, i bet you did not know this; there were trips that my family took me on where they never let me out of the hotel room. that's right.

welcome to: "you were on that trip black baby?"

stop #1: boston.

in the year of our lord 2003 my family invited some friends, packed up a borrowed suv and headed east pre-labor day weekend for boston. boy was i excited. i had never been to the east coast and i for sure never saw that ocean thing i was told stories about. i heard if you rode a boat too far you would fall right off the face of the earth! imagine!! i grabbed a pack of my favorite juice boxes, a ziploc full of cheerios and a raffi cd - i was ready to hit the road once again.

i heard the adults talking about all the wonderful things were were going to be seeing and doing. there was the city of boston itself, cheap seafood, samuel adam's brewery and a city that was once home to witches! the seafood made me a bit scared - but i was ready for the rest.

after a drive through CANADA! and some 16 hours later we arrived in boston!

oh that boston accent that no one can understand!


we headed for the hotel to check in and to USE THE POOL (A POOL CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!) and to rest a bit before hitting the city.

and that is where the story ends for this kid. i never saw the pool. i never got to hit the city. scary seafood - i wish! witches? what witches. all i got was an extended stay at the ramada. that was it. but the adults, oh they had fun. they did all those things that they promised me.

here are those douche bags at the sam adam's brewery - you got to take a TRAIN to get to there. babies LOVE trains.


oh and check out madonna here, blonde ambition tour; next stop SALEM WITCH MUSEUM

in perpetration for writing this blog, i confronted my family about this trip. i asked them if there were ANY photos they had of me on this trip, i don't want to look like a fraud. i don't want to look like a liar - honesty is all a baby has. the response i got was - you were on that trip?

it was later reveled that there MAY have been a photo of me sitting on a wall at the beach documenting what would be my first trip to the atlantic ocean - but it has "disappeared in the move". here is my artist rendering of what i believe it looked like:

please take the time to note the rainbow (which symbolized happiness (also notice i got all the colors in the correct order)). also notice that i made the drawing out to DADDY and MON (supposed to be "mom" - i'm a baby for christ sake). and if you look extra close at the bottom right you will notice a smiley face - that my friend - that is me...and apparently a tornado that just came from a vineyard.

this is the saddest day of my life.





Tuesday, September 1, 2009

get to the point

destination #6: cedar point, sandusky, ohio
nicknames:
america's rockin' rollercoast
fun fact: having opened in 1870, cedar point is the 2nd oldest amusement park and holds the record for most rides (75)
well known pointer: snoopy

for those of you who don't know, i am an avid roller coaster rider. i love them. i can't get enough of them. i would (and will) travel most anywhere to ride the most awesome of rides. fortunately enough for me, i grew up not far from the number one amusement park in the world, cedar point! (take that japan!).

after my exhausting and slightly terrifying trip to the south, it was due time to feel my intestines rise up with the drop of the roller coaster's first hill, the wind rushing over my bald head, and smell the rank fishy scent of lake erie - i could hardly wait.

now, i had been going to cedar point a long time. i rode all the big guys - magnum, mean streak, raptor, millennium. it was never an issue of "you're a baby - you can't ride". well apparently things change. cedar point gets bigger, faster, taller rides, and with that they think they have to make the riders more safe?

"ohhh, you are a baby, you don't meet the minimum height requirement. why don't you try the frog hopper". well cedar point, i will try the frog hopper, but let me tell you - i am a world traveler! i conquered the st. louis arch! i survived mother goose land! i will ride your rides, whether you like it or not, mister ride operator man from coon rapids, iowa! you wait and see!!

while walking around the park, i noticed a sign just outside the magnum xl 200. a sign that read simply, "just ride it". after the newly enforced height requirements and apparent "no babies allowed to ride" rule, this sign was all the confidence i needed.


with the surprising support and mad smuggling skills from my family, i managed to do exactly as that sign demanded: i did just ride it.

so what if i had to be held and am not strapped in whatsoever. i survived the 195 foot 60ยบ drop. i made it through all the tunnels, i lost no sunglasses, hat or other articles of value. i rode it!


of course after such a huge victory for baby kind all over the world, and with the hope of my family finally accepting me and loving me more than ever, i later had this misfortune happen:

I AM NOT A FOOTBALL, FAMILY.

all in all, it was a great day, but i have a message for cedar point:
relax a little and realize there are more rides for babies than frog hopper!!

...although frog hopper is an awesome ride.

Monday, August 24, 2009

friends forever

destination #5: friendsville
nicknames: bff
fun fact: there is a friendsville, tennessee & a friendsville, maryland
well known friends:
this guy

i am taking a small detour of my travels to bring you a post about one of the most important things in the life of a baby; friendship. as one might imagine, it gets lonely on the road. most of the time the "adults" leave me in the car, or are too embarrassed to walk around with me. it is times like these that it is good to have a friend by your side.

luckily for me, i had such that luxury on my travels to the south. and even better, she was my age and my size, which not only meant we got to share a bed, a stroller and clothing, but good times as well.

meet my bestest friend, diana.


diana knows what it is like to be a baby, and more importantly she knows how to party like a baby. while the adults were off being lame, diana and i had the t.o.o.l!! (time of our lives for those of you who don't speak "cool"). here are the highlights from the untold adventures of mable and diana.

diana was cool enough (and loved enough) by her family that they supplied her with her own stroller. with our bottles packed and freshly powered butts we hit the mall!

Link
we visited our favorite store in the mall, baby gap and tried on sock, onesies and hats! oh look how stylish we are, just like the freakin olsen twins! i want to be mary-kate!!


after we exhausted ourselves with memories of uncle jessie and that zaney "uncle" joey, we decided we wanted this moment to last forever - FRIENDS FOREVER! we decided to let our hair down and went wild posing in this silly cutout. look at me! i'm some kind of fox - and diana over there is what - pinocchio?!


diana and i later threw a coin down the wishing well there and wished to be friends forever. i promised to visit as often as possible, to keep secrets and to never treat her with disrespect like i was all too familiar with. she promised the same, and with a quick pinky swear we held hands and threw our coins down the well together.

it was only on our drive back that i realized that wishing well was merely painted on a backdrop, thus voiding all wishes. apparently it also voided pinky swears because this is the treatment i received from my "best friend" the entire trip home.

trust no one.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

b(l)ack by popular demand

destination #4: todd county, kentucky (and the rest of tennessee)
nicknames: the bluegrass state
fun fact: middlesboro, kentucky is the only city in the u.s. built in a meteor crater
well know bluegrasser:
johnny depp


first, let me start by saying: i am sorry. i have been away for quite the time. but let me tell you, i was traveling. the other 3 months i was left in the backseat of a car and then promptly moved into a closet, from which i bring you this new post.

welcome to destination #4 - kentucky! (and the rest of tennessee) also, the last stop on my trip to the south. just to keep things in order here, i will start with my final pit stop in tennessee. upon my escape from the great arch, i decided it was time for some much needed r & r. having been in this landlocked state of tennessee for some time now, i was dying to see some water. i was told there were several rivers and "hollows" nearby. they even offered boat and jet ski rides. i could almost feel the misty water caressing my soft baby skin - i could hardly wait!

instead i was taken here:
that's right, the tennessee river nick-a-jack reservoir. i mean, seriously?! the grass is burnt and the water has a film on it. they had to post this sign so you knew it was a body of water and not some unfortunate toxic spill.

needless to say i did not go on a boat ride, i did not ride a jet ski, and i thankfully did not feel the mist of that water - like it could get to mist form. instead i sat on the banks of the "reservoir" to reflect on the traumatic experiences i had encountered over the past few days. that arch, mother goose, meeting my father - it was all much too much.

i felt sad, cold - i felt alone. and rightfully so. my family had forgotten about me and left me reflecting my thoughts on that reservoir bank. luckily, i have mad climbing skills and managed to catch up with them.


after this episode i was done-zo. i demanded to go home straight away. this was the close to my first major expedition and i was exhausted. i wanted to get in my car seat, have a juice box and sleep the entire way home.

of course, that is never the case with me. i had to experience the tucky of ken, the place where grass is blue and education pays. well, let me tell you something of my short time spent in kentucky. as you can see from this photo, i saw no bluegrass and if education pays, then kentucky would know that posting a mile marker of "zero" is completely unnecessary.

oh, and in case you can't read it, todd county's big claim to fame is that it is the birthplace of robert penn warren, the first poet-laureate of the united states.

go ahead, read his wikipedia page, i'll wake you in 5.

disappointing kentucky - disappointing.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

gateway to my poopy rear

destination #3: st. louis, missouri
nicknames: gateway to the west
fun fact: missouri has been affectionately known as "the dickhead state."
well known gateway-ian: william s. burroughs


upon his first visit to st. louis in 1851, mark twain memorably quipped, "i'm not going to say anything cute or funny about st. louis. this is a shithole and if i had to live here i'd hang myself off a barn rafter."

i couldn't agree with mr. twain more, he hit the nail on the head with this comment. being a detroit native, i have to say i was appalled and under impressed with the "gateway to the west". if st. louis is a small sample of what is to come in the west, then i strongly advise staying on the east side of the mississippi.

but i digress. st. louis was destination number three on my quest of travel. i was intrigued by the cities money maker, the st. louis arch. also i wanted to see the mississippi river, because i was told it has four eyes and can't see, and i was a bit skeptical about that.

after a surprisingly short drive from the nashville area, i found myself face to face with that infamous arch that sits on that infamous river. and i was ready to be...well creeped out.


at first i was excited about the arch, it was huge! even if you were an adult you would agree, it was huge! and then i found out you could go in it all the way to the top!! i nearly ruined my new diaper. sadly, i didn't take the time to think about how one gets to the top, as i am sure happens to many visitors of the arch. well, let me share that with you friends in hopes you don't make the same mistake i made.

first you are led into an underground museum where you are distracted with air conditioning, narrated videos and items under finger smudged plexiglass. you buy a ticket, you get excited. you stand in line, excitement growing - WE'RE GOING UP A FUCKING ARCH, I CAN'T WAIT!!!

then you notice them. doors. these little teeny tiny doors, not bigger than 4 foot tall and 3 feet wide. a puppet show perhaps?! dancing midgets dressed as little arches?!

no. nothing fun like that today folks. those doors lead you to the pod that takes you to the top of the arch...i mean look at this shit...


i don't even know these people but i feel for them. look at blue shirt's face, she's got the fear, and glasses over there, she doesn't know if she has just wandered into some spaceship or a garbage can - SHE CAN'T EVEN SIT!

anyway, i am an adventurer, i am brave, i am baby. i went in the pod. i rode it. i wasn't happy, but i did it. and are the windows REALLY necessary, it was just a reminder that you were in the bowls of the arch.


after traveling at the speed of slow as fuck, we reached the top. now, this is what an insane person sees when entering the st. louis arch observation deck:

now, this is what i saw:

and this is what really happened:

all i am saying is when you escape the pod, you are forced into this "observation deck" with shards of glass for windows and the whole thing sways and it was just - not a good day.

we later went to the st. louis science center where i got the opportunity to build an arch of all things.


F plus st. louis, F plus.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

see rock city

destination #2: lookout mountain, georgia
nicknames: rock city
fun fact: over 900 barns in 19 states have "see rock city" painted on their roofs
well known rock city dwellers: this guy

after hitting the big city of nashville, it was time to try the slower paced life of lookout mountain, georgia. lookout mountain, georgia, is home to...well, lookout mountain and rock city. turns out the residents of lookout mountain, georgia are a bunch of stinkin liars, cause lookout mountain isn't a mountain at all, but a large hill plateau.

residents of lookout "mountain", georgia: 0
wikipedia: 1

although rock city appeared to be rather rocky.

anyway, despite the fact that it is NOT a mountain, it was all rather beautiful. i made the trek with my surrogate family, and my best baby buddy diana*. we were greeted by the local mayor of lookout mountain, mr. l.z. stinker. a city ran by a pig. no wonder they think that hill is a mountain.

despite the lack of a real mountain AND the mayoral pig, we continued on with our visit. we had heard rumors of being able to see 7 states from the summit of lookout mountain, a village of mother goose come to life, a 1,000 ton balancing rock and a ledge that caused people in love to jump to their death. wanting to live up to my full baby potential, i wanted to see it all.

walking to the summit of lookout mountain takes you through a lot of caves. caves that at first seemed fun, cooling, natural...


but soon, they started to turn creepy, dark and unnatural. i began to get scared that we might run into bats, or a yeti, or even worse; trolls. i tried to smile for the camera, but i was constantly watching my back.


then without much warning, my family, friend and i were face to face with it. the troll. that coal mining son of a bitch. he insisted i get my photo taken with him, luring me into the darkness. "i have a lantern," he assured me, "everything will be ok".
it was NOT ok. he lead me down a beaten path into a different cave where he asked if i would like to see the mother goose land i had heard about. and i did. i am a baby, why wouldn't i. but what he showed me, i was unprepared for:

i have never learned to read because of this experience.

after escaping my near death experience, my family and i made it back to the daylight, fresh air and uncaveness, only to have this happen...

not cool family...not cool.

oh and i did not see 7 states.

* my best baby friend's name technically have been changed to protect her identity. also thank you to crowolf for your bravery of capturing the images of the mother goose village. your bravery is amazing, and babies like myself appreciate you eternally. you are a true hero

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

the early years

destination #1: nashville, tennessee
nicknames: nashvegas
fun fact: the grand ole opry was originally called the wsm barn dance
well known nashvillian: jack white

ahh yes, the trip that started them all. i stayed a short time in the nashville, tennessee area for about a week in the year 2002. clarksville to be exact (clarkvegas to you locals)...



having never been to the south, i decided it was a good idea to get cultured and check out the state capital building, like a good american. and what did i discover, the city of nashville knew i was coming and made me a welcome sign...OUT OF STONE...


i later took a stroll to the top of capital hill and was beyond shocked when i met someone who had been absent from my life for 18 months, my father...


now, i didn't recognize this man to be my father, nor did i ever think i had one, but as soon as he saw me, he scolded my surrogate family members for holding me incorrectly, as they often did. this "father" man then snatched me up and held me in his arms like no one had ever done before. it was comforting, soothing, silky. he then tried to pass on his parenting skills to my new family...




somehow, i think the lesson was lost forever.

be that as it may, i left nashville with a heavy heart. i will never forget my father, whatever his name was, nor will i ever forget how it felt to be a baby for once.

i'll remember you, nashville, tennessee!!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

hello, and welcome

my name is mable, but you can call me black baby. for those of you who are not familiar with my work, i am a part time traveler...



...and a full time baby.



i was found in the hollow walls of a house owned by a man whose name i can't mention. i was then later adopted by a surrogate family* who encouraged me to travel the world.


thanks to their love and support i have visited some 18 states, 6 countries and 2 continents, and i am just getting started.

please come and read about my travels and enjoy all my many photos, i work hard to do what i do. i look forward to sharing my life with all of you.

goo goo ga ga,
-black baby

*family members and friends faces and names will be scrambled or changed to help keep the paparazzi out of our lives, i am after all just a baby. i will not live the life of mary-kate and ashley olsen or michael jackson. in my eyes, they never had a chance.